Bubbly

I remember being pregnant with Olivia. The song Bubbly by Colbie Caillet was really popular. At the time we had a really old laptop and I would sit with the computer, while on the internet, and listen to the song over and over along with a Michael Buble song. Every time, EVERY TIME that little baby would wiggle and move and poke around and become so active, I could tell she loved the music.
I had the pleasure to go into the Dr.s office for NST's every week after 28 weeks. I loved this time I was able to spend with my little bean, no kids allowed, all alone just listening to her quick little heart beat. Strong everytime and the Dr. would announce at the end of every appointment "She is the happiest baby I've ever seen!". That's just who she is. Two and a half years later she is still "The Happiest ____!". Commonly used nouns are "Little girl" and "Two year old.". My favorite is when one of the kids friends observe how happy she is for a 2 year old. Both Connor and Aubrey's friends have commented on how Olivia is not like any other 2 year old they have seen. Usually followed by some comment about their younger sibling. I wish I could take full credit for her happiness. More often than not I feel that it is despite me, not because of me.
I know Grandma had some strict Heavenly instruction for her before she was sent down. Grandma had strict instructions for everyone she loved.

I never want to forget...

Olivia on her hands and knees helping Sean clean up the tornado of our living room. She had a wipe and was spitting on the hard wood floor and wiping it up. 2 year old spit shining the floor- priceless!

The newest nerdy cool!

Seriously! I have to have one of these bikes!
Madsen Cycles

I and Love and You.

How could it be that I have anything to complain about? How is it that there is still so much I need? So much healing to do?
From the outside looking in I have it all...4 amazing, beautiful, intelligent, and healthy kids. A hard working, always loving husband.
Yet, inside there is so much discomfort. Not so much pain, as much as a longing. A nearly uncontrollable need to run. Run until I feel free to be me. It isn't that I want to be away from my responsibilities, it isn't that I don't want them at all. So many days I feel completely incapable of doing a fraction of what I need to do. I feel the weight of the world, the weight of how things are "supposed to be". The weight of how everyone else does it. I can't do it that way, it just isn't me. I don't feel the need to be different, that's not what its about for me. It's about doing it differently. I see things differently than most people yet my priorities seem to be the same. For some reason the traditional stay at home and take care of things isn't working for me. Everyone else, yes. I'm not saying I need to go out and work, actually I don't know what I'm saying (which is seemingly obvious). It's just that a moment ago, when The Weight started settling uncomfortably yet familiarly upon me I cringed inside and then something new happened. For a second I saw myself beyond all of it. It was that view, brief as it was, I saw the bigger picture. I knew if I could move beyond this discomfort, heal what is broken (again) and fight for me for a change I can accomplish what I want, I can be happy, I can care for my family with all that I have. I can have the rest of my heart back and give so much more. I just have to find step: 1. I begin looking tomorrow. (well today)

Aubrey's Broken Arm

Amidst hearing Alli needed her tonsils out and school coming to an end, Aubrey broke her arm. It was the last Tuesday of the school year and I got a call just as I was leaving to go to school that afternoon. I was literally pulling out of the driveway. Since I already had our AMAZING sitter lined up for the afternoon I ran the younger girls over to her house and then ran to school to pick up Aubrey. She had been playing on the monkey bars after lunch, slipped off and landed pretty hard. Luckily it's what is called a "buckle fracture" so there wasn't really a "break" in her bone as much as there was a bend. Thank goodness for strong bones. It really was a blessing because in kids her age it would have been more common to see a break. But she has my rubber bones! The thing that really got to me was the next day when I picked Aubrey up to go to the orthopedic doc. a mother of a girl in Aubrey's class explained to me what happened. She was dropping her daughter off after taking her to lunch. She took her daughter out to the playground and noticed there weren't any aids outside, in fact, there weren't any adults to be seen. Concerned she waited around for a few minutes, and then realized she was late for work and began to go back inside. It was as she turned around she heard Aubrey scream. She ran over to her and helped her up and into the office.
I was floored! Who sends 90+ first graders outside without any supervision? I really couldn't believe it. The entire wait at the Dr. office I was thinking about how many ways to sue the school. Luckily after a day I calmed down and realized the only one's who would pay for that law-suit would be the kids, in the long run. Thinking back on it and realizing the gravity (no pun intended) of the situation I feel that I should go back to the principal and have a recap of what happened. Luckily, our kids don't go there anymore, but still. Like I said I had a ton on my plate (more on that later).
Anyway, Aubrey ended up wearing a brace for 6 weeks, no cast and she got to play in the water after 3 weeks. What a relief, what a blessing!

Connor's Birtday!

I can't believe I missed blogging about Connor's birthday! To be fair I was in school at the time, as well as being completely overwhelmed by having the kids home from school. I realize that I am supposed to say perfect things like; "I just LOVE having my kids home, it's so much fun!", "Having my kids home is so great, I don't have to worry about getting them to school!". I love my kids but having them home for an entire summer is so overwhelming I get anxious just thinking about it right now.
Anyway...Connor turned 8 this summer. Since we are trying to cut down on spending money for our kids parties we gave him a couple choices. He decided to invite a couple of friends to go to Chuck E. Cheese. He was kind enough to allow Aubrey to tag along because Alli just had her tonsils out. So the best part was that Sean took 4 kids to Chuck E. Cheese all by himself! What a great daddy!
Before they left Connor opened presents and they enjoyed cake and ice-cream. Here are the pictures...not so great after all but I did get some video, too.

I cannot sleep, therefore I blog...

I was thinking about catching up on some past events, however something has really been weighing me down. I have been avoiding announcing this bit of news because it was a hard pill to swallow. Also, I wanted to talk to my mom and step-dad first as they have been my financiers. However, the longer it takes for me to catch my mom the more people ask me how school is going. I have rendered a very generic "I love it, but not enrolled this semester".

I will not be continuing with my cosmetology education. It took me months to come to this decision as I was so committed to following it through to the end and looking forward to being an amazing hair stylist. I loved school, I soaked everything up and retained more information than I ever thought I could (I have been pregnant 4 times). However, there was something lingering over me..Pain. Intense pain, mostly in my back and neck and then during the summer in my wrist (quickly worsening) probably carpal tunnel. So I went to the chiropractor who adjusted me and took new x-rays...not good news. Just since I started school it was clear that my back was in worse shape than it had been in years, partially due to having a baby that was still being carried more then not but obviously being compounded by my new found passion. OUCH! I really didn't want to admit what it all really meant. So, I went on to enroll in a summer semester. In my mind it would be so much better because I was only going to be at school two days a week. By the end of summer semester it was obvious to me that this particular career wasn't the best choice. I also visited another doctor and when I explained what was going on. He kindly expressed his concern and explained what my choices were. I can't believe that I was in such denial, it is so out of character for me.
Looking back I can see that it was out of fear and some issues that came up while I was in school from days long ago...the biggest one being- FAILURE! I was really battling with feelings that I had back when I was in high-school.

Back then I was dealing with more than my fair share of responsibility, stress and work. On top of school I had 3 part-time jobs as a result of that, as well as a lot of stress in other aspects of my life I nearly failed out of school. I constantly told myself "I can't". In my mind I was lucky to graduate from high school and didn't deserve a college education. In the end I did graduate with a cumulative GPA of 3.0. High school made me feel stupid. Only years after graduating did I realize I am smart and I always have been. I was so grateful for Language Arts and Science for helping me to discover my passion for writing, reading and all things science early on. Books and writing were sometimes my only escape and the rules of writing and science were sometimes the only thing logical in my life. Even though I was accepted into college courses as a Jr. (in HS) and scored at the highest college level in the English part of the A.C.T, I still continued to tell myself I was stupid.
I don't know when it began, as far back as I can remember it was part of the dialogue in my mind. I remember trying for the spelling bee as a fourth grader. I studied harder than I ever had in my life and wanted to do it so badly. There was one word I just kept getting mixed up in my mind. I was standing in front of my peers and it was down to myself and one other girl in my class. One last word and I got the dreaded one, the only one I couldn't sort out. Junior. I missed it. The first thought was "I am so stupid". I was so disappointed in myself. I'm pretty sure I cried throughout the entire school spelling bee. Although I can safely say that was the last time I ever misspelled junior.

The one thing I learned about myself when I went back to school this year was that I really am smart, I really can do well in school. I finished my most recent courses with a 3.85, it was actually higher in my lectured courses as apposed to labs. I received an A+ in a general required course. I loved school, which may have been the first time ever.

So, here I sit. Making a new plan and forming a new dream...more to come on that. If you read this whole thing, thank you. I needed to have the weight lifted.