changes...

So from now on this page will be more positive. More about the joys and focused on my kids and family. I have a new page that is dedicated to my personal journey. I am desperately trying to make some needed changes in my life. Time to live a healthier and happier life. It will be a process, but it's been a long time coming. My new page is Randomness is My Forte'. If you are interested then by all means send me an email and I'll be happy to add you!

megancparker@gmail.com

www.parkers6.blogspot.com
www.randomforte.blogspot.com

Bubbly

I remember being pregnant with Olivia. The song Bubbly by Colbie Caillet was really popular. At the time we had a really old laptop and I would sit with the computer, while on the internet, and listen to the song over and over along with a Michael Buble song. Every time, EVERY TIME that little baby would wiggle and move and poke around and become so active, I could tell she loved the music.
I had the pleasure to go into the Dr.s office for NST's every week after 28 weeks. I loved this time I was able to spend with my little bean, no kids allowed, all alone just listening to her quick little heart beat. Strong everytime and the Dr. would announce at the end of every appointment "She is the happiest baby I've ever seen!". That's just who she is. Two and a half years later she is still "The Happiest ____!". Commonly used nouns are "Little girl" and "Two year old.". My favorite is when one of the kids friends observe how happy she is for a 2 year old. Both Connor and Aubrey's friends have commented on how Olivia is not like any other 2 year old they have seen. Usually followed by some comment about their younger sibling. I wish I could take full credit for her happiness. More often than not I feel that it is despite me, not because of me.
I know Grandma had some strict Heavenly instruction for her before she was sent down. Grandma had strict instructions for everyone she loved.

I never want to forget...

Olivia on her hands and knees helping Sean clean up the tornado of our living room. She had a wipe and was spitting on the hard wood floor and wiping it up. 2 year old spit shining the floor- priceless!

The newest nerdy cool!

Seriously! I have to have one of these bikes!
Madsen Cycles

I and Love and You.

How could it be that I have anything to complain about? How is it that there is still so much I need? So much healing to do?
From the outside looking in I have it all...4 amazing, beautiful, intelligent, and healthy kids. A hard working, always loving husband.
Yet, inside there is so much discomfort. Not so much pain, as much as a longing. A nearly uncontrollable need to run. Run until I feel free to be me. It isn't that I want to be away from my responsibilities, it isn't that I don't want them at all. So many days I feel completely incapable of doing a fraction of what I need to do. I feel the weight of the world, the weight of how things are "supposed to be". The weight of how everyone else does it. I can't do it that way, it just isn't me. I don't feel the need to be different, that's not what its about for me. It's about doing it differently. I see things differently than most people yet my priorities seem to be the same. For some reason the traditional stay at home and take care of things isn't working for me. Everyone else, yes. I'm not saying I need to go out and work, actually I don't know what I'm saying (which is seemingly obvious). It's just that a moment ago, when The Weight started settling uncomfortably yet familiarly upon me I cringed inside and then something new happened. For a second I saw myself beyond all of it. It was that view, brief as it was, I saw the bigger picture. I knew if I could move beyond this discomfort, heal what is broken (again) and fight for me for a change I can accomplish what I want, I can be happy, I can care for my family with all that I have. I can have the rest of my heart back and give so much more. I just have to find step: 1. I begin looking tomorrow. (well today)