I and Love and You.

How could it be that I have anything to complain about? How is it that there is still so much I need? So much healing to do?
From the outside looking in I have it all...4 amazing, beautiful, intelligent, and healthy kids. A hard working, always loving husband.
Yet, inside there is so much discomfort. Not so much pain, as much as a longing. A nearly uncontrollable need to run. Run until I feel free to be me. It isn't that I want to be away from my responsibilities, it isn't that I don't want them at all. So many days I feel completely incapable of doing a fraction of what I need to do. I feel the weight of the world, the weight of how things are "supposed to be". The weight of how everyone else does it. I can't do it that way, it just isn't me. I don't feel the need to be different, that's not what its about for me. It's about doing it differently. I see things differently than most people yet my priorities seem to be the same. For some reason the traditional stay at home and take care of things isn't working for me. Everyone else, yes. I'm not saying I need to go out and work, actually I don't know what I'm saying (which is seemingly obvious). It's just that a moment ago, when The Weight started settling uncomfortably yet familiarly upon me I cringed inside and then something new happened. For a second I saw myself beyond all of it. It was that view, brief as it was, I saw the bigger picture. I knew if I could move beyond this discomfort, heal what is broken (again) and fight for me for a change I can accomplish what I want, I can be happy, I can care for my family with all that I have. I can have the rest of my heart back and give so much more. I just have to find step: 1. I begin looking tomorrow. (well today)