I cannot sleep, therefore I blog...

I was thinking about catching up on some past events, however something has really been weighing me down. I have been avoiding announcing this bit of news because it was a hard pill to swallow. Also, I wanted to talk to my mom and step-dad first as they have been my financiers. However, the longer it takes for me to catch my mom the more people ask me how school is going. I have rendered a very generic "I love it, but not enrolled this semester".

I will not be continuing with my cosmetology education. It took me months to come to this decision as I was so committed to following it through to the end and looking forward to being an amazing hair stylist. I loved school, I soaked everything up and retained more information than I ever thought I could (I have been pregnant 4 times). However, there was something lingering over me..Pain. Intense pain, mostly in my back and neck and then during the summer in my wrist (quickly worsening) probably carpal tunnel. So I went to the chiropractor who adjusted me and took new x-rays...not good news. Just since I started school it was clear that my back was in worse shape than it had been in years, partially due to having a baby that was still being carried more then not but obviously being compounded by my new found passion. OUCH! I really didn't want to admit what it all really meant. So, I went on to enroll in a summer semester. In my mind it would be so much better because I was only going to be at school two days a week. By the end of summer semester it was obvious to me that this particular career wasn't the best choice. I also visited another doctor and when I explained what was going on. He kindly expressed his concern and explained what my choices were. I can't believe that I was in such denial, it is so out of character for me.
Looking back I can see that it was out of fear and some issues that came up while I was in school from days long ago...the biggest one being- FAILURE! I was really battling with feelings that I had back when I was in high-school.

Back then I was dealing with more than my fair share of responsibility, stress and work. On top of school I had 3 part-time jobs as a result of that, as well as a lot of stress in other aspects of my life I nearly failed out of school. I constantly told myself "I can't". In my mind I was lucky to graduate from high school and didn't deserve a college education. In the end I did graduate with a cumulative GPA of 3.0. High school made me feel stupid. Only years after graduating did I realize I am smart and I always have been. I was so grateful for Language Arts and Science for helping me to discover my passion for writing, reading and all things science early on. Books and writing were sometimes my only escape and the rules of writing and science were sometimes the only thing logical in my life. Even though I was accepted into college courses as a Jr. (in HS) and scored at the highest college level in the English part of the A.C.T, I still continued to tell myself I was stupid.
I don't know when it began, as far back as I can remember it was part of the dialogue in my mind. I remember trying for the spelling bee as a fourth grader. I studied harder than I ever had in my life and wanted to do it so badly. There was one word I just kept getting mixed up in my mind. I was standing in front of my peers and it was down to myself and one other girl in my class. One last word and I got the dreaded one, the only one I couldn't sort out. Junior. I missed it. The first thought was "I am so stupid". I was so disappointed in myself. I'm pretty sure I cried throughout the entire school spelling bee. Although I can safely say that was the last time I ever misspelled junior.

The one thing I learned about myself when I went back to school this year was that I really am smart, I really can do well in school. I finished my most recent courses with a 3.85, it was actually higher in my lectured courses as apposed to labs. I received an A+ in a general required course. I loved school, which may have been the first time ever.

So, here I sit. Making a new plan and forming a new dream...more to come on that. If you read this whole thing, thank you. I needed to have the weight lifted.