Limbo it is...

So much has happened and it's time to start blogging again. My emotions have run the full gambit. The line from beginning to end has been completely redefined. There is no doubt that my life is changing, yet it is still uncomfortably too similar. I am under the impression that most couples facing divorce tend to physically separate before or during the process. And most certainly by the time it's 'final'. But why in this crazy world would we do anything predictable?
Most days the discomfort of living in limbo seems apparent only to myself. For the kids not much has changed. Mom has her own room now. Alli and Olivia share a room. There is 'mommy time' during the week and 'daddy time' on the weekends but essentially life for them has been unchanged. Which was one of the goals of going about the separation/divorce in this manner. There have been endless discussions with the kiddos about what is, has, and will be happening. They have approached us with questions and they each own an age appropriate book that explains divorce. I can't help but think that we have thought each detail through to the best of our ability.
Now with the move so close yet so far away the pain and discomfort of living in limbo becomes overwhelming at times. I look at the kids and I catch a glimpse of Sean and I realize I am the only one feeling the desire to hurry this process up. I'm sure Sean is ready to move on, I'm sure he wouldn't want to live this way any longer than was necessary. I also don't doubt that for him right now it's the convenient way to do things. Changing it up, throwing a wrench in it for him would be uncomfortable. I've never seen a man who thrives so much on predictability and convenience. It's just who he is.
I, on the other hand am ready to run. I am ready to stand on my own two feet and go get 'em! I know where I want to be and it's not here. I have a life, a family, waiting for me. I have friends who want to catch up and be there to lean on. I have a new life to get started on. I have a job to find. I have a house to hunt for.I have things that need to be done and ready for the kids.
The one thing I am not ready to leave behind is the kids, who will be patiently waiting with Sean for me to get things in order so we can have a suitable home and a routine worked out.
One day my heart won't feel torn in two. I can't help but feel that the sooner I rip the band-aid the sooner I can be healed. The sooner I can have life the way it should be for all of us.
As far as I'm concerned this whole living in limbo situation is for the birds!

Wow!

I guess I took a month off!

December was crazy busy! I had to do all of my Christmas preparation in the beginning of the month. Usually I do it from the day after Thanksgiving until the week before Christmas. This year we were lucky because we were going to visit Nana, Papa Peter, Uncle Travis, Sissy and Uncle Jacob in Atlanta! We were so excited to get to take the kids on such an adventure and to see so much of our family!

We left on December 15th. Nana had our whole 10 days there planned. We went to so many places and had so many experiences, and caught up with family! Here are some of the pictures, and things we did:
On the plane!

I was worried about Olivia since it was a 4 hour flight. But, headphones+Dora playing on the screen right in front of her= A happy 2 year old. It helps that she's such a good little 2 year old. She was interested in airplanes before the trip, so the experience was exciting. Once she started getting antsy there were snacks and then she played 'I want Mom...No, I want Dad' for a while and before she knew it we were there. It definitely could have been worse. The other kids were perfectly behaved. Only needing a couple of reminders to talk quieter.

At the "New World of Coke" with the Coke Bear!

Can you say "Sugar High?!" and....Crash!

Needless to say all of the soft drinks, caffeinated and otherwise, were happily consumed!

We made the boys take the older kids on a walk and to play some basketball while Mom and sisters (meli and I) went on a last minute shopping trip with Olivia. They definitely had fun!

At the amazing Georgia Aquarium...it was so neat! The kids loved it!!

The pre-Christmas Eve festivities...aka Story time...aka Show off the Parker Posing skills!
It was such a treat to hear Papa read the story of Christmas from the Bible as well as his animated rendition of The Night Before Christmas.

After we left Meli took some time to use her teacher skills to educate a giant frog and Travis.

Two Lissa's in a pod aka "Two Balls in a Trough"

We left EARLY Christmas Eve morning. I definitely paid the price for pulling an all-nighter to spend some extra quality time with the siblings. It was worth it, and I would do it again. Regardless, we all arrived home safe and exhausted! I literally laid across Alli and Aubrey on the flight home to catch some zzz's. We obviously weren't stocked up on food after being away for 10 days so we had to take a much dreaded trip to wal-mart to stock up on some necessities and a couple of last minute gifts. It was a close call but we all survived that experience unharmed.

It was a whirlwind and a blast. We had a Merry Christmas and hope you did too!

Who Needs Mashed Potatoes?

This Thanksgiving was fabulous! We had my cousins, Aunt and Uncle out for dinner. My 4 cousins, Miles, Cassie, DJ and Mitzi all go to BYU so I try to have them out once a month for a family dinner. When I heard that Auntie M and Uncle Goomba were going to be in town from Eureka California, I insisted they come for dinner. They didn't know how much I love to cook a good turkey so they were a bit hesitant as they didn't want to over stress their favorite niece. In the end I got my way and out they came. We were also graced by the presence of my beautiful cousin Cassies steady, Justin. It was a pleasant dinner and while we waited for the second car full of guests, Aubrey and Alli knew just what to do. I bet DJ and Miles were especially grateful they took the "short"cut this time. The girls wanted to do "fingernail makeovers!" as Alli so observantly renamed painting nails. To be quite honest I was very glad that there were two new victims...ahem, I mean...clients. When Cass showed off her pretty fingers at dinner I had quite a laughing fit. When Sean explained that it wasn't as nearly as hilarious as I found it to be, I had to explain that it is when you have been a participant to the earnest efforts of our well meaning 6 year old who actually paints entire fingers, not just the nail, in bright red paint, It is that funny. Cass and Mitz were very good sports they didn't cringe, complain and even expressed gratitude for their new found beauty and that's just one reason why they are so loved! I suppose there really is nothing to complain about when the only thing that goes wrong is that the turkey is done early. But we wrapped it up tight and let the bird rest while everyone arrived. It truly was lovely and one of my most favorite Thanksgivings in recent memory.

It was fun to get out Grandma Parker's china for the celebration. I bought Ghostbuster's the day before on a whim which turned out to be a great way to pass the time between dinner and dessert. There was plenty of laughing, great food (minus some miscommunication over mashed potatoes, but they weren't missed too much). Everyone left full and happy!

Fall About You!

I'VE BEEN TAGGED!! I didn't even know until I was re-reading my friends blog...oopsies...I never get tagged so surprise!

1. Favorite season: The Winter, I love snow storms and cold weather!

2. Favorite physical feature: I like my eyes, they're original and me.

3. Chore you most detest: dishes, but I have a great husband who usually does them for me.

4. Color your hair regularly? yep, for years I did blond highlights but lately it's been darker.

5. Top item on your wish list: running shoes

6. Favorite way to 'scent' your house: I just got an airwick scented oil apples and cinnamon air freshener and love it. I'm really picky about how my house smells, it can't just be vanilla it has to be a certain vanilla smell etc...

7. What are you eating for dinner tonight? Cafe Rio

8. Are your toenails painted? no, but I spent an hour painting fingers and toes today, not mine though =)

9. One thing you splurge on even if $ is tight: Fountain Diet Coke

10. Post the most recent photo of you- ack, I have avoided pictures of myself lately it'll take some digging...

11. Tag 8 friends: totally going to take a cop out on this one and say...whoever wants to please do! Don't forget to let me know so I can read about you!!

Oh and...

We applied to jobs for Sean this evening. I guess the Navy is desperately in need of logistic operations managers and lucky for them Sean is the best LOM there is. He just happens to be looking for a job. So we applied to all sorts of exotic places such as Maryland, North Carolina, Texas, Washington and California. Even Hawaii and Alaska. We are ready for an adventure of sorts. 10 years of marriage and we still haven't found the soil that we must plant our roots in so it's possible that we will fly somewhere new and amazing and maybe that is where we'll plant our roots. I'm kind of growing to like this about us... <3

Happy Halloween!

Halloween this year was a blast! I decided that I wanted to decorate early this year, for some reason I'm just in a festive mood. Sean, on the other hand, wouldn't let me put up decorations until it was at least October. (I just wanted to do it the weekend before, so not a huge difference). Then we all got sick (well except for super-immune Connor) and it wasn't a little cold or flu, it was the dreaded H1N1! (dramatic...dun, dun, dunnn) Well we all survived. The irony of it all was I'm not so paranoid about getting vaccines and the week we all caught it was the week I was planning on getting the family vaccinated. Oh well, we suffered anyway and we've all survived. The girls recovered just in time to make it to the short week of school (one day that was all celebration). Their school had a "Character Day" instead of a costume day with all of the limits of schools these days. So kids were allowed to pick out a character of a book. Connor opted out, Aubrey picked Pinkalicious and Alli picked Splat the Cat. Apparently I do read to them enough because each girl picked their own character and I was proud. After having been through 5 years of school Halloween celebrations, this year was by far my favorite. Sometimes kids don't dress up at all (which is a big bummer) and other years they are allowed to dress up but there is a book of limitations. This year the idea was so simple but I thought it was the best because it made the kids think about the books they read and they get to become a character for the day. Love It! Of course Connor is too cool to dress up, but we did have a couple of good conversations about who he could be. We usually get our butts to a real pumpkin patch and do the whole sh'bang but since I was sick until Thursday, that didn't happen. We got our pumpkins at the store, I was bummed but the kids were just happy to be getting pumpkins to carve. I also found out on Friday that there was a 'trunk or treat' party at the church and of course there was no way around that so I threw together some cheap $1 store decorations (a black table cloth and 2 ghost buckets, and battery candles) bought some dry ice and voila! instant trunk decor. The kids had a blast and our trunk was a hit, and we ran out of treats! Olivia learned to say "trick or treat" which was ADORABLE! Olivia was a Candy Corn (yep, again), Alli was a witch, Aubrey was a genie and Connor was Megatron (Transformers). Halloween day the kids were wired, of course, no less is expected. Finally the time came to get ready and visit grandma, Connor and Aubrey caught the trick or treating bug and couldn't get enough. They trick or treated in grandmas neighborhood and then again in our friends neighborhood needless to say we are left with way too much candy. I must say that sometimes I am pleasantly surprised at the behavior of my kiddos. They knew from the very beginning they would only get to keep 5 pieces of candy for themselves but they had an amazing attitude from beginning to end. It was all about having fun for them and that made it fun to watch them and be with them. We played games with some friends, taking advantage of the extra hour to have some fun for ourselves! Overall, it was a great day!

changes...

So from now on this page will be more positive. More about the joys and focused on my kids and family. I have a new page that is dedicated to my personal journey. I am desperately trying to make some needed changes in my life. Time to live a healthier and happier life. It will be a process, but it's been a long time coming. My new page is Randomness is My Forte'. If you are interested then by all means send me an email and I'll be happy to add you!

megancparker@gmail.com

www.parkers6.blogspot.com
www.randomforte.blogspot.com

Bubbly

I remember being pregnant with Olivia. The song Bubbly by Colbie Caillet was really popular. At the time we had a really old laptop and I would sit with the computer, while on the internet, and listen to the song over and over along with a Michael Buble song. Every time, EVERY TIME that little baby would wiggle and move and poke around and become so active, I could tell she loved the music.
I had the pleasure to go into the Dr.s office for NST's every week after 28 weeks. I loved this time I was able to spend with my little bean, no kids allowed, all alone just listening to her quick little heart beat. Strong everytime and the Dr. would announce at the end of every appointment "She is the happiest baby I've ever seen!". That's just who she is. Two and a half years later she is still "The Happiest ____!". Commonly used nouns are "Little girl" and "Two year old.". My favorite is when one of the kids friends observe how happy she is for a 2 year old. Both Connor and Aubrey's friends have commented on how Olivia is not like any other 2 year old they have seen. Usually followed by some comment about their younger sibling. I wish I could take full credit for her happiness. More often than not I feel that it is despite me, not because of me.
I know Grandma had some strict Heavenly instruction for her before she was sent down. Grandma had strict instructions for everyone she loved.

I never want to forget...

Olivia on her hands and knees helping Sean clean up the tornado of our living room. She had a wipe and was spitting on the hard wood floor and wiping it up. 2 year old spit shining the floor- priceless!

The newest nerdy cool!

Seriously! I have to have one of these bikes!
Madsen Cycles

I and Love and You.

How could it be that I have anything to complain about? How is it that there is still so much I need? So much healing to do?
From the outside looking in I have it all...4 amazing, beautiful, intelligent, and healthy kids. A hard working, always loving husband.
Yet, inside there is so much discomfort. Not so much pain, as much as a longing. A nearly uncontrollable need to run. Run until I feel free to be me. It isn't that I want to be away from my responsibilities, it isn't that I don't want them at all. So many days I feel completely incapable of doing a fraction of what I need to do. I feel the weight of the world, the weight of how things are "supposed to be". The weight of how everyone else does it. I can't do it that way, it just isn't me. I don't feel the need to be different, that's not what its about for me. It's about doing it differently. I see things differently than most people yet my priorities seem to be the same. For some reason the traditional stay at home and take care of things isn't working for me. Everyone else, yes. I'm not saying I need to go out and work, actually I don't know what I'm saying (which is seemingly obvious). It's just that a moment ago, when The Weight started settling uncomfortably yet familiarly upon me I cringed inside and then something new happened. For a second I saw myself beyond all of it. It was that view, brief as it was, I saw the bigger picture. I knew if I could move beyond this discomfort, heal what is broken (again) and fight for me for a change I can accomplish what I want, I can be happy, I can care for my family with all that I have. I can have the rest of my heart back and give so much more. I just have to find step: 1. I begin looking tomorrow. (well today)

Aubrey's Broken Arm

Amidst hearing Alli needed her tonsils out and school coming to an end, Aubrey broke her arm. It was the last Tuesday of the school year and I got a call just as I was leaving to go to school that afternoon. I was literally pulling out of the driveway. Since I already had our AMAZING sitter lined up for the afternoon I ran the younger girls over to her house and then ran to school to pick up Aubrey. She had been playing on the monkey bars after lunch, slipped off and landed pretty hard. Luckily it's what is called a "buckle fracture" so there wasn't really a "break" in her bone as much as there was a bend. Thank goodness for strong bones. It really was a blessing because in kids her age it would have been more common to see a break. But she has my rubber bones! The thing that really got to me was the next day when I picked Aubrey up to go to the orthopedic doc. a mother of a girl in Aubrey's class explained to me what happened. She was dropping her daughter off after taking her to lunch. She took her daughter out to the playground and noticed there weren't any aids outside, in fact, there weren't any adults to be seen. Concerned she waited around for a few minutes, and then realized she was late for work and began to go back inside. It was as she turned around she heard Aubrey scream. She ran over to her and helped her up and into the office.
I was floored! Who sends 90+ first graders outside without any supervision? I really couldn't believe it. The entire wait at the Dr. office I was thinking about how many ways to sue the school. Luckily after a day I calmed down and realized the only one's who would pay for that law-suit would be the kids, in the long run. Thinking back on it and realizing the gravity (no pun intended) of the situation I feel that I should go back to the principal and have a recap of what happened. Luckily, our kids don't go there anymore, but still. Like I said I had a ton on my plate (more on that later).
Anyway, Aubrey ended up wearing a brace for 6 weeks, no cast and she got to play in the water after 3 weeks. What a relief, what a blessing!

Connor's Birtday!

I can't believe I missed blogging about Connor's birthday! To be fair I was in school at the time, as well as being completely overwhelmed by having the kids home from school. I realize that I am supposed to say perfect things like; "I just LOVE having my kids home, it's so much fun!", "Having my kids home is so great, I don't have to worry about getting them to school!". I love my kids but having them home for an entire summer is so overwhelming I get anxious just thinking about it right now.
Anyway...Connor turned 8 this summer. Since we are trying to cut down on spending money for our kids parties we gave him a couple choices. He decided to invite a couple of friends to go to Chuck E. Cheese. He was kind enough to allow Aubrey to tag along because Alli just had her tonsils out. So the best part was that Sean took 4 kids to Chuck E. Cheese all by himself! What a great daddy!
Before they left Connor opened presents and they enjoyed cake and ice-cream. Here are the pictures...not so great after all but I did get some video, too.

I cannot sleep, therefore I blog...

I was thinking about catching up on some past events, however something has really been weighing me down. I have been avoiding announcing this bit of news because it was a hard pill to swallow. Also, I wanted to talk to my mom and step-dad first as they have been my financiers. However, the longer it takes for me to catch my mom the more people ask me how school is going. I have rendered a very generic "I love it, but not enrolled this semester".

I will not be continuing with my cosmetology education. It took me months to come to this decision as I was so committed to following it through to the end and looking forward to being an amazing hair stylist. I loved school, I soaked everything up and retained more information than I ever thought I could (I have been pregnant 4 times). However, there was something lingering over me..Pain. Intense pain, mostly in my back and neck and then during the summer in my wrist (quickly worsening) probably carpal tunnel. So I went to the chiropractor who adjusted me and took new x-rays...not good news. Just since I started school it was clear that my back was in worse shape than it had been in years, partially due to having a baby that was still being carried more then not but obviously being compounded by my new found passion. OUCH! I really didn't want to admit what it all really meant. So, I went on to enroll in a summer semester. In my mind it would be so much better because I was only going to be at school two days a week. By the end of summer semester it was obvious to me that this particular career wasn't the best choice. I also visited another doctor and when I explained what was going on. He kindly expressed his concern and explained what my choices were. I can't believe that I was in such denial, it is so out of character for me.
Looking back I can see that it was out of fear and some issues that came up while I was in school from days long ago...the biggest one being- FAILURE! I was really battling with feelings that I had back when I was in high-school.

Back then I was dealing with more than my fair share of responsibility, stress and work. On top of school I had 3 part-time jobs as a result of that, as well as a lot of stress in other aspects of my life I nearly failed out of school. I constantly told myself "I can't". In my mind I was lucky to graduate from high school and didn't deserve a college education. In the end I did graduate with a cumulative GPA of 3.0. High school made me feel stupid. Only years after graduating did I realize I am smart and I always have been. I was so grateful for Language Arts and Science for helping me to discover my passion for writing, reading and all things science early on. Books and writing were sometimes my only escape and the rules of writing and science were sometimes the only thing logical in my life. Even though I was accepted into college courses as a Jr. (in HS) and scored at the highest college level in the English part of the A.C.T, I still continued to tell myself I was stupid.
I don't know when it began, as far back as I can remember it was part of the dialogue in my mind. I remember trying for the spelling bee as a fourth grader. I studied harder than I ever had in my life and wanted to do it so badly. There was one word I just kept getting mixed up in my mind. I was standing in front of my peers and it was down to myself and one other girl in my class. One last word and I got the dreaded one, the only one I couldn't sort out. Junior. I missed it. The first thought was "I am so stupid". I was so disappointed in myself. I'm pretty sure I cried throughout the entire school spelling bee. Although I can safely say that was the last time I ever misspelled junior.

The one thing I learned about myself when I went back to school this year was that I really am smart, I really can do well in school. I finished my most recent courses with a 3.85, it was actually higher in my lectured courses as apposed to labs. I received an A+ in a general required course. I loved school, which may have been the first time ever.

So, here I sit. Making a new plan and forming a new dream...more to come on that. If you read this whole thing, thank you. I needed to have the weight lifted.

Olivia's Birthday

My baby turned two! As happy as I am to see her growing up into a healthy, active, smart little toddler, there is a part of me that is sad to see her grow up. She has been the best baby ever (well aside from the week in the hospital).

We celebrated with our little family (just the kids, sean and I) and it ended up being really fun! The kids had a blast helping with the decorations, cupcakes and even dinner. For a little anticipation I made them wait until Sean got home from work for the festivities to begin. Here are the pictures...

Happy Fall!

Wow, I can't believe its been a month since my last lame post. To any readers I have left, thanks for hanging around. A lot has changed since I last wrote a decent post. I started working on a new writing project, which I thought would be lucrative however after spending hours writing 2 articles and figuring out the websites publishing tool I decided it was enough, not really worth the time. Especially since I have my blogger where I can post in a few minutes and talk about whats on my mind and going on with my life...which appeases my narcissistic side.

So, what's new with the Parkers? Well school is back in session, which makes me happy. I know somehow that makes me a bad mom, but there is something about knowing my kids are learning that makes me happy. I don't mind the quiet time either.

This year our kids started at the brand new charter school Excelsior Academy. We are so excited about everything they are learning. The class sizes are smaller and their teachers and principal are amazing! Connor actually likes school, again, for the 2nd year in a row (still not a fan of homework, but one thing at a time). And by the way he's a 4th grader!

Aubrey is doing great in school, of course! The only really new thing with Aubrey is a sassy attitude, which at this point I am chalking up to a phase. Connor seemed to go through the same thing at 7, so she has a few more days and then were making it a huge issue. (She'll turn 8 on the 13th). Aubrey was literally singing and dancing the week leading up to school. It's safe to say that Connor and Aubrey continue to be polar opposites. However, there are small glimmers of hope: once in a while they actually play together. At this point its completely random, and usually ends up in both of them getting in trouble together, but what ever keeps them bonding!
.

Oh Alli! Ever the camera shy child...as you can see it's very hard to get her to pose!



Alli loves kindergarten. I was worried most about what Alli's teacher would be like because if she stayed at Overlake Elementary she would have had a chance to have the same wonderful kindergarten teacher as Aubrey. I finally decided we would just have all of the kids at the same school and "risk" it. Well, it was the right choice! I knew it was when Alli's teacher sent her a postcard a couple weeks before school. It was such a thoughtful thing and Alli LOVES getting anything in the mail. Her teacher is Mr. Orkiolla and I found out on the day before school started that the other teacher is from Spokane, Wa! So I was pretty happy with both of the kindergarten teachers. Anyway, Mr. Orkiolla is wonderful, and as Alli calls him "silly". The best part was that she is already learning so much! I am so grateful for kindergarten teachers who start of teaching that learning is fun!

2nd Article examiner.com!

Motherhood 101: Breastfeeding Awareness

It's Official!

I am now a published author. I will still be posting personal blogs and updates on my family here on my blogger account but to hear more from me please support my new venue! You can read my very first article as well stay posted here:

http://www.examiner.com/x-17815-Salt-Lake-City-Motherhood-Examiner

Check often for new articles!

love,
megan

Dear Olivia,

This is why there won't be enough pictures of you in 12 years. Alli steals the camera, takes random pictures, mostly of herself. This unfortunately takes all the memory on the camera card. When I finally find the camera after a mad search of the house, and if there is enough memory, the precious "kodak" moment is long gone. Just know that we love you even if there is only one picture per year. Someday you, too, will be old enough to take pictures of yourself. These pictures speak for themselves.
All my love,
Mommy